Happy F---ing Birthday to Me or Adventures at the Ohio BMV

Okay, grab a cup of joe and pay attention because this latest Kozakian mishap has more twists and turns than a Nelson Demille novel, It all started back in September/October when I bought my new/used 2009 Kia Sedona and scrapped the 2005 Sedona (RIP). I gave the tow truck guy the junker and the title, and then I took the license plate & new title memorandum to the BMV to see if I could get the old Sedona plate on the new Sedona. Following me so far? Good. Because the BMV clerk never even got close.

It seems she didn't transfer the license plate I physically handed her. Noooo ... For some reason known only to God and the clandestine cabal that has been plaguing me since my birth, she went into her database and transferred the license on my 2004 Kia RIO to my new Sedona before pressing a button, launching a cyber Photon torpedo and literally expunging all record of the Kia Rio from the BMV database. She then handed me back the memorandum, took my money and sent me on my merry way completely clueless as to the egregious a**-r*ping that just transpired.

So, for the last three months Jen has been driving around the 2004 Rio, which now doesn't exist according to the BMV, and I'm driving around my 2009 Sedona with the "wrong" plates. Meanwhile, the BMV thinks the 2005 Sedona is still chugging merrily along Ohio's highways and byways. Fast forward to yesterday, three days before my tags expire.

I stroll into the BMV, get the same clerk who "helped" me in October, and the whole tangled skein slowly and tortuously begins to unravel. Of course, I have all my documents in my car, right where I left them in October. As we start reviewing them, it all starts making sense. Net result, I have clear, unequivocal WRITTEN and NOTARIZED proof that SHE bunged up the whole mess. Her reaction? Utter bald-faced DENIAL. Then she uses those great people skills possessed by all BMV employees and quips, "Well, I may have made an error, but you just have too many Kias .." hahahaha.

Needless to say, Mark was NOT laughing. Why? Because after she resurrected my 2004 Kia Rio in the BMV system she discovered that the e-check records can't be re-instated. So I now need to get an E-Check on the 2004 Rio. That wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that the Check Engine light is on. I know what the problem is. It's a $1,000 O2 sensor. Since the Rio is a 2004, I didn't need to have an e-check this year, which gave me a year to make the repair or buy a new car. That is until Madame Curie at the BMV "helped" me in October.

If anyone has read through this entire yarn and understood it, then you're doing better than me. My head is still spinning, and I feel another wave of PTSD-induced nausea coursing through my weary, beaten body. Happy F---ing Birthday to me!